Marcelo Ramos Motta: Size Matters!

                       Baton Rouge, July 2, 1954
                         Care Frater Saturnus:
            Do what thou wilt shall be the whole of the law.
  First, let me give you plainly my opinion on sex and sex morality as far
as sexual relations are concerned.
  I do believe frankly that sexual pleasure may and perhaps should be
experienced with both sexes, and not only with sexes, in the human being,
but also with animals. When a child I used to excite a male dog I had, and
the only reason I never had actual relations with female animals was that I
was afraid of creating an "astral race" of monsters with human consciousness
and immortality and animal instincts, etc., and I was not sure if that would
be right.
  However, the woman has been curiously absent from my life. When I was young, I
think, I was possessed by an older boy who did not let me possess him back,
though he had promised it. I was too young to care, but now I remember. At
five I actually played with (I remember that with strange excitement and
pleasure) a little girl and introduced my penis in her. Unfortunately
the gardener discovered us and I believe that was the last time I had such
an opportunity.
  As a child I grew up completely without malice, since my family did not
teach me about sex at all (the only thing my mother did about me and the
girl was to deny that she and my father had ever done such a thing, as I
alleged I had seen them doing it as my defence, and I had. She said I must
be mistaken, and I believed her. I would and I still do believe practically
anything those I like tell me, and I am many times deceived thereby). I took
to masturbation through curiosity. I remember I always had a tremendous
attraction towards girls, but I was very timid and would not even dare speak
to them. In elementary and high school I had for sometime, because of my odd
behaviour, a reputation of homosexual. In high school I had homosexual
relations with a negro boy, as I have already told you.
  I would never look for prostitutes, pretexting that they were degrading
(not they, but the fact that one paid them made love something low and
dirty). That attitude, I think now, was partially sincere, partially the
masking of the fear I had of them.
  It was a discovery for me when I had my first real orgasm through
masturbation. Having a rich imagination, I used to satisfy myself thereby.
Later on, a feeling of guilt aroused, half connected with my mystical
studies (chastity, you know) half with a feeling that the thing was
frustrating and degrading; I was indignant that I had to recur to such
subterfuges. Only then I became consciously aware of the fact that I had
developed a complex of inferiority because of the size of my penis. My class
fellows used to laugh at me, but for a long time I used to think their
opinion did not influence me too much; but now I remember that I had had the
complex since the first time they laughed at me, and it only grew as through
the years other people came and laughed too.
When I came in contact with Parsival [Parsival Krumm-Heller, Arnoldo
Krumm-Heller's son, from the Fraternitas Rosicruciana Antiqua],
I had already read his father's works, and was aware of the existence of a
mystical school that did not hold complete chastity as essential to go to
heaven. I had already been in contact with Levis' books and appreciated them
very much, especially the Dogme et Rituel. This later book, however, each
time I went around with it, seemed to have a prejudicial influence on me; I
would become proud, excessively self comfident and sooner or later I would
hurt somebody or do some wrong. Later on, as I grew more, this diminished. I
think I have already told you of my few actual magical experiments. I must
say I seem to have a natural facility for it. However no persistence, as you
know.
  My first actual relationship with a woman as an adult happened in the
United States. I told you something about that, too. I remember this girl
helped me very much in getting rid of many inhibitions. I told her of my
complex; later on she said she did not think me particularly abnormal. She
did not make me happy, as was probably her intention, or appease me, because
any refference [sic] to the subject tended only to make me
over-sensitive. It was a long time before I could approach anything near a
normal erection. We never had actual relationship; because she likes to have
sexual relations when she is menstruating, and also because I would object
to preservatives. The real reason I objected to them was that I had tried
some preservatives already and they were so big in comparison with my penis
that it tended only to make me nervous, irritable and ashamed.
  I told you in the beginning of this letter that I have nothing against
homosexual relations. Now I must modify that statement somewhat. I think
homosexual relations that are just an escape from normal relations are
wrong. I think the individual should learn to enjoy all kinds of sexual
pleasure; but the homosexual that is homosexual because he is afraid of, or
is repelled by women, I consider a deseased individual. To a great extent I
have verified that my sexual impulses towards men are born of that complex
of inferiority of mine; the idea of their big penis attracts me; somehow
there is a fancy that in having relationship with them I may achieve some of
their own hugeness and so on. Mainly for this conflict and also because I
wanted to develop normal relationships of women, I have abstained from
homosxual relations, and I would like not to practice them (if I may want
them in the future) unless my relationship with women is perfectly normal
and satisfactory.
  I was in love with that girl and she used to push me around and take
advantage of the fact, because in my ideal of love one should do everything
for the beloved, sacrifice everything for the beloved. She had a lover
(before she picked me up) and she did not leave him after she began
relationship with me. She offered to leave him if I married her. Of course,
I refused. My ideal of love is very strange, and I am not sure it is
natural. Let us say that it includes complete abnegation towards the beloved
- but it fulfils itself only through retribution of such abnegation - it is
a give and receive. I don't know if it is right or wrong, but most of the
time I gave and the girl (in my opinion) only received. Finall [sic]
I broke away from her. I think now she believes she loves me, but I doubt
it, and in any case, I am in love with another. I told you about that girl
in several of my letters.
  After I left her I went around with some others. Nothing special happened,
because I was frankly timid and afraid. I did not dare to make advances, and
I let pass many occasions when the other part made advances by itself, by
misunderstanding, perhaps, but I think more by subconscious fear.
  This last girl I met is very beautiful and a very interesting character. I
mentioned her to you. Her rising sign is Taurus and she has Venus in Taurus
and the first house, Uranus in Taurus, Saturn in Aquarius, Sun in Gemini and
Moon in conjunction with Neptune in Virgo in the fifth house, if I am not
mistaken. Her character is still a mystery for me in many ways; she is very
charming, very enticing and very stubborn; she seldom is tender. What I know
from her past is very little, since I can but repeat what she herself told
me. She told me that her stepfather used to beat her, that he played around
with her and she developed a repulsion towards sex because of that. She
shows tendencies to hitchness, lesbianism and to be frigid; yet she can be
extremely passionate. Having the Sun in Gemini, of course (and if I am not
mistaken, Mercury in Gemini, too, or Mars — I am not sure of this) she has a
difficult personality. She attracted me and picked me up; her magnetism
attracted me very much. My experiences with her were very painful; sometimes
she would react with repulsion, sometimes she would mock me, all the time
she would be scorning, somehow, sex in itself. She is a Catholic and has
been to a nun's school; seems to have rigid moral principles and her natural
tendencies are in conflict with them. I managed to break through her shell
with the greatest difficulty; she immediately identified me with the immage
[sic] of her stepfather. This girl made frank mentions in the
beginning of our relationship to my size, comparing it with her stepfather.
I have disappointed her and myself very much for timidity and lack of
courage to take her; had some moral conflicts about it too, but they were
mainly my own fear in disguise. Besides, she made me tremendously jealous,
because she would go around with plenty of other men besides me, though I
don't know if she ever had as intimate relationship with them as she has had
with me. Once we performed intercourse partially, she drew back in the last
moment. I was drunk. Later on, we might have had complete intercourse, but
unfortunately we got together only in her pregnable period, and I would
avoid using contraceptives.
  Let me tell you something more about my ideal of love. I have always
thought of the woman as equal to the man; more, I never thought it was fair
that men may go around having relationship with any women they want and the
women aren't allowed to do the same. At least, so it is in my country. When
my mother left my father and went to live with another man, defying all the
prejudices of our society and her family, I admired her very much. I want to
love the woman and yet let her free; in fact, I want that the very fact of
getting appart [sic], in a sense, meaning that there is no dependence
on each other and yet there is love for love's sake, not for sake of
security of any kind. This my ideal I have come short of in my own
behaviour, because of my inhibitions and complexes, I think; also because of
my lack of male boldness, stamina, or whatever you may call it, that makes a
man take a woman in his arms with comfidence in himself that he will be able
to give and receive pleasure.
  Jealousy is in my opinion no demonstration of love; it is born mostly from
inner insecurity. There is, perhaps, some kind of healthy jealousy; but I am
not acquainted with it; I am acquainted only with the sicklish one, born of
insecurity and fear.
  One thing that strokes me on this last girl of mine is that, though her
principles are Catholic, her behaviour approaches in many things the
Thelemite ideal as I have been able to form a conception of it; I cannot
define how, but it is a kind of intuition. I might risk saying that she is
the Horus type; and yet I can't help thinking that given time or conditions
she may develop into a remarkable being, not only a playgirl. Perhaps,
however, this is only the subjective influence of my love towards her. She
could be a talented and procured courtisan and perhaps will some day; and
yet I think she is able to love with a depth and richness that feel women
are able to have. She has broken many a man's heart, even young as she is -
only twenty, but somehow she seems to have an age-old — too old, perhaps, -
wisdom of love and the things of love [Motta was 23 when he wrote this
letter]. However, it seems to me that most women have such an
instinctive knowledge of love and the nature of love; I knew a girl in
Brazil, for instance, who told me that she had never been kissed before me
and yet had a natural talent for making love that made me suspect she was
lying; and this girl, also, sustented I was the first man who ever kissed
her breasts and and played with her, and yet she seems to know naturally
much more than I do, or at least she learns faster in many respects. She is
superficial, at least in appearance, perhaps in reality; Taurus is generally
considered a materialistic sign, but I try to keep in mind that Do what thou
wilt shall be the whole of the law.
  I have come short in my love for her in three things; first, for growing
dependent, though never to the extreme of complete surrender; second, for
being jealous and wanting her only for myself; third, for not understanding
her completely and her needs. I must say at that that she has given no help
herself either ... on the contrary, each intimacy with her I had to conquer
step by step and we have had many fights and separations; however, either
she or I have come back; I out [?] of a sense that perhaps my
behaviour was not just. I must say I believe now that it was not if I were
strong; but as i am week and insecure, trying to behave as if I were strong
is a tremendous strein; worrying about her, worrying about myself, absorbed
in the problem of our relationship, discovering deep intimate relationship
with a woman for the first time, I left my studies aside, I spent my money,
my time, everything with her; she did not thank me for it, and if I were
strong, it would not have mattered, as I (theoretically) did not expect
gratitude or retribution; but it has been very hard not to cry; try to love
me as I love you! She says she loves me, and is she does, by God, she does
the Thelemite way in many senses. Yet she has her own deep conflicts and I
cannot help thinking that she is as magically attached to her stepfather as
I have been to my mother. Her stepfather is a psychoanalitical case; an
exhibitionist with sadic tendencies, goes around naked at home, masturbates
constantly, etc. He has lost several jobs through exhibitionism; her
discovery of the fact, I think, was not one of the least shocks that have
created her conflicts. She is not a virgin and I personally believe she has
had relationship with him or some other man, perhaps in a moment of
drunkenness; she likes to drink. (her father was a dipsomaniac; one of her
ears is different from the other; her mother seems an interesting character,
and though she never mentioned anything of the kind, I suspect that at some
time of her life she was a prostitute or a demi-mondaine. The girl was born
in Haiti; her father or mother, however, are French. The stepfather is
Dutch. He seems to be one of those men who believe only in brute force to
educate a child, but I believe it was mostly his sadic tendencies that made
him beat the girl so much as she complains he did; besides, she has always
been stubborn and voluntarious and he has done his best to try to break her
- he has not succeeded; she seems to have that quality of copper; the harder
you beat it, the harder it becomes. Am I right in my diagnosis?) The
stepfather is always making advance to her. Her life at home must be much of
a hell; she is home, now. I send you a letter she sent me, but I ask you to
send it back to me, after you read it.
My ideal of love has developed or changed in many things since I know this
girl, with which I am in love, much independent of my will, much because I
want to love her. The fact that she is so different from me, and yet
wonderful in her way, seems to me, is the main reason why I have cultivated
and keep cultivating my love for her. It is interesting that I have arrived
at an achivement I had not thought of before; lately I have convinced myself
that I would not mind if the woman I love had relationships with other men,
even if she were my wife. I used to think I would forgive such a thing once
or twice, but not more; yet, now my love seems to grow larger than that and
to accept more. My natural tendendy is fidelity and constancy in love. Is
that wrong? Please tell me frankly. Perhaps what I think is my natural
tendendy is only conditioning.
  Trying to understand this girl, and trying to let her free, I have
enriched my personality; but it seems to me that I have bit more than I can
chew. I feel my limitations and shortcomings; my complex; my fears; my
timidity; and I feel that all those make me jealous, selfish, self-centered,
and even mean and revengeful. All these I consider weaknesses. There is a
great difference between retribution and retaliation; retribution is much
less necessary or just than retaliation makes believe it is.
  So, I try to consider the woman as my equal and to give her a place in the
throne by my side; but it so happens that I have not either a throne or a
crown and that is the trouble. Every single girl that has ever picked me up
seemed to think that I was a strong character on whom they could rely and
depend upon. Everyone, of course, has been disappointed almost completely
and in most things. I do not know where they get the impression from;
perhaps from my general attitude; yet I do know I may have the capacity to
be what they think I am when they come; but I don't know what is lacking.
Magical will! Do you think that is it? Do you think I could get it through
Yoga? They all need help and come for me for help; I try to help them and
finish by needing help myself!
  If I only had a bigger penis — please don't laugh if I come back to it -
that would give me more self confidence by itself, I think. I am always
afraid of having an erection: to make advances to a girl I have just met is
difficult. To go to the Men's Room is a torture. I go around watching men's
penis almost involuntarily; and it is an interesting thing that there seems
to be such an intensity of the thought in me that they become self-conscious
and look at themselves, sometimes even when they have not actually noticed I
was observing them. You told me once and so did Parsival that the size is of
no importance. I must disagree. Size is important, with most women I have
met. They like the idea of a big penis and one or two have told me so
themselves. I noticed I can excite them and make them enjoy even with my
size; I seem to have some kind of sensitivity that makes them sensitive too,
and my caresses do excite them, that I know. But if besides all that I had a
bigger penis — a penis normal to my size of body; golly, I think I would
become a kind of Casanova or Liszt! (which has always been one of my
ambitions — I suppose that is normal in most young men)
  So, I register here two troubles of mine: one, physical: small penis; the
othr, psychological or spiritual, if you want: lack of inner strength, inner
stability combined with plasticity.
  The physical aspect, I do not know how to deal with. I developed a magical
process, but you told me to use it; besides, I am not sure how to stop the
growth once it began. I told you about this in one of my letters.
Endocrinologists I have consulted have said for all effects I am normal and
they are right. I have a small penis, but not abnormally small. Ta, ta. Is
there any way I could develop it without your veto, master? ...
  Now, don't you come to me with that thing about sticking too much to the
physical! I stick to the physical as much as I please, and I don't consider
myself wrong. If the physical were not necessary, one way or the other, we
would not encarnate. I have my own personal theory of evolution, based of
course in much of Blavatsky's teachings, but also some things of my own
conclusion. To give attention to the spiritual and to forget the things that
pass is a very nice thing; but after all, if we have a spirit, we also have
a body, and want to overcome limitation in all its aspects, both spiritual
and physical. I believe that the finality of evolution in matter is, for the
consciousness-form that manifests itself as man, to dominate thoroughly that
medium and then to transcend it into a higher form of life and substance;
perhaps the animals will be our inheritors when we become as gods, all of us
who last to the end, or the thing behind us that moves us does it by itself.
But let us say that no transcendence of the medium will be possible without
control of that medium. Do you remember in The Book of Lies, when Therion
talks about the sorcerer that could make all kinds of miracles and yet was
but himself? O.K., I agree thoroughly that it is ridiculous to be like that
sorcerer; but I want to have all the sorcerer's powers and still the ones he
does not have! In short, I want to develop roundly, all over, my feet below
the hells, my head above the heavens. I will admit I stick to the physical
very much from a personal, materialistic point of view; but there is also,
and I honestly think there is, a question of principle. Spiritual advance is
a fine thing; but I hope you won't think me vain or childish when I say that
I have quite a lot of it; and perhaps if the medium through which it
manifests weren't so weak I would show much more. You yourself admitted the
fact once.
  Another consideration concerning the physical; you once when I told you
that I intended to study psychology, reproached me, saying that the
psychologists are wrong and there is no point in studying them. I told you
that we should help them, since we know more. You said, who cares about them
and I answered very naturally, I care, and I do. [Karl Germer had been a
patient of Alfred Adler, though]
  Those people may have all the ligitations they have, but they have been
struggling against the deficiencies of the intellect for centuries already
of patient research trying to reach a better understanding of man and a
better adjustment to life. Their discoveries and half discoveries have
advanced the civilization quite a lot; if they were to become interested on
our discoveries and processes and convinced of our honesty and our results,
that might mean quite an advancement for mankind. Right now there is such a
trend with the parapsychologists, who are trying at children to follow on
the steps of sorcerers, mystics and magicians.
  They have however to become convinced that we can teach them something
before we can teach them and help them; and since they are blind right now,
only through physical proofs we may convince them.
  Therefore, however great the repugnance towards phenomena and "powers" is,
those powers are, after all, a natural by-result of progress and to some
extention its signs; as for phenomena, everything is phenomena, one way or
the other.
  I will tell you honestly that if I ever come to have any power at all I am
going to work with the parapsychologists and try to develop systematic
research among them in the same lines as ours in many things; using,
however, a nomenclature more understandable to the average public.
  So you can see I have many reasons not to consider the physical as
non-important, besides the anxiety, ridiculous as it may seem or be, to make
my penis grow.
  As for the other lack, the spiritual lack, I spoke about "inner strength,
inner stability combined with plasticity." This is an important concept for
me. I want to develop strength; but I want to avoid that kind of rigidity
that becomes a paralysis. In short, I want to be strong and, at the same
time, plastic. Right now, in my attempts to understand people, I am hurt
because of excessive sensitivity combined with lack of strength, become
confused by my own conflicts, I cannot understand them as well as I deem
necessary. I need therefore to fortify my aura; but I do not want to form a
shell. I hope you are understanding me. There is a paradox, here; I must
shut myself so that I can remain open; or, I must avoid disturbance and yet
I must receive impressions. In short, I must be rigid, unbreakable,
formidable as a pyramid or rock, and yet I must be  ?amooth?, and plastic as
water, and adapt myself, and understand. How can I combine those two
factors, which are opposed to each other, at least in appearance? I have not
yet been able to express [Motta added in handwriting: I wrote 'expert';
could that have subconscious meaning?'] what I want. Perhaps I could say: I
want to be nobody, and yet, be SOMEBODY — but what that somebody or that
soemthing is, I can't define; yet I feel I can become IT. It is plastic, so
plastic that it can identify itself with the nature of things; and yet it
remains itself. Then, only then, I think, I would be able really to love
freely and to understand. To be that Thing implies also all kinds of powers.
  Do you understand what I have tried to implify? If you do, please tell me
if it is right or wrong, if it exists or not, if I am able to achieve it,
and if yes, how? You have told me over and over again what I must do; this
time I want to check; believe me, I'll begin to do something this time, and
I have a feeling this time I won't stop.
  Never forgetting my penis ... is there any way I may develop it that you
don't completely disapprove of? ... (control of matter to the extent of
changing form, expression, appearance, so on, has been one of the alleged
powers of the Rishis, by the way; what is your opinion of that, even if it
does not concern the method you may suggest — if you suggest any — I use?)
  Still on the definition of the strength I want: I want to be able to
penetrate and to receive; and to combine them simultaneously.
  I guess there is little more to say, except about myself [handwritten:
meaning, from every-day's live point of view]. I am going to Brazil, to see
my family and get an imigrant visa; I intend to come back to the United
States and work. I have already a possible location as a salesman; if I am
successful, in one year and a half I will have been able to acquire an
income that will last as long as the American financial system or the
company that will employ me lasts. As soon as I have the money, I will
retire from work and beguin [sic] to study again, this time, the
things I want to study, not necessarily for a degree, but the things that
may help my purpose of helping scientists, if I can. I am not receiving any
money any more from my family; I want to be on my own. I prefer to break
them the news personally, though I have done it already by letter. While in
Brazil, I intend to go to a prostitute and ask her to teach me everything
she knows or thinks she knows on how a man should or can excite a woman.
Perhaps I will go to several prostitutes. There is a young girl in Brazil
that loves me; if I deflower her, without any unnecessary shock, do you
think that would be benficial for her? The girl is fifteen, but behaves like a
woman. Latin Americans at that age are generally women already. Should I
break through the veil of the lies of the centuries? ... She may have
after-shocks and conflicts; in the long run, however, it may strengthen her
personality. What do you think? Just an opinion of a much more experienced
man, not a judgement. I need as much as I can get of your advice, on all
subjects, by God!
  I also intend to go to S. Paulo and talk personally to the editors that
are interested in the translation of Therion's works. I'll have Book Four
Part I ready before I go. I am going by plane next tuesday [sic],
July 6. Don't know how long it will take me to get the visa; in any case,
I'll probably spend a month in Brazil. The visa may take more time to get,
or less; I don't know.
  What do you think of my plans for the next future?
My address in Brazil, to which I suppose you will answer this letter, is:
  Marcelo Ramos Motta ....
  I hope I have in this quite long letter been able to give an idea of what
my problems have been and are. Thank you for your very kind words; I'll send
the ten dollars as soon as i get to Brazil; have no money right now. Please
forgive me and remind me to Mrs. Germer.
  Love is the law, love under will.
                        [signature]